so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
