I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
