Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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