I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
