I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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