Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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