dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
