God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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