I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
