This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
