It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
