i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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