my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
