I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
