pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
