This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
