my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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