i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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