I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
