Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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