i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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