Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
