Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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