I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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