Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
