Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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