I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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