i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
