Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize