ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
its liver damage thursday
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
