my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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