I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
