it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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