I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
