I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize