Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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