Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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