i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
