i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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