my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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