He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
