Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
