I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
