OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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