Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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