I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
