we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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