Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
