Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
