JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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