Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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