Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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