My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wish there were birth control emojis
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize