Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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