someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize