I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
