why didn't you poke me back
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
