You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
