Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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